Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
