Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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