the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
