I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
