I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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