I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
