Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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