apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize