I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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