He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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