This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i wish my penis had a tongue
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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