I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
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