If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
3pm strippers are depressing
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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