i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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