God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
