i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
