She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
