I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize