my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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