I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
