he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
