I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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