Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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