y did u give ur computer a hand job?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize