There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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