Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
