When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize