u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
