Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
