Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
