It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
