She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
