there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
