I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
