1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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