Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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