You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
