Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
did i walk over a car last night?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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