Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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