Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
