the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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