i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
