She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
