we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
