My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
