mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
