The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i love accidental penises.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
