I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
