She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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