He disabled his match.com account in front of me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I could fuck to npr.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
