Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
