She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
