I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
