My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
