My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
