Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
