I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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