Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize