sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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