careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
