Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
