I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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