OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
