Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
