I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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