i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize